Intentions and Purpose

Last time I shared, my post was a brutally  honest.  I was in a true mindfulness moment.  I knew I had to start speaking in a kind voice to myself – “allow yourself to respectfully mourn the things in your past.  The ones you miss terribly.  IT. IS. OK and normal.  But you can’t wallow in it. You get 1- 2 days. 3 tops!”. 

Then today, this happened.

 I had a surgical procedure scheduled at the surgical center of south jersey. I’m pretty much a celebrity there because I have out-patient procedures there all the time. So at minimum, I’m a frequent visitor. Like if it was subway my card would be punched and I’d be getting free subs monthly. (I hate subway by the way-just an analogy). It also doesn’t hurt my populatity that I’m one of the rarest cases they’ll ever see. I’m like a celebrity amongst the sea of rare disease ridden, sick people who are now my waiting room peers. 

I digress. I had a new (to me) nurse in pre-op today. She was great like all the others. Also had a few familiar faces pop in while all the usual pre-op things were being done. An anesthesiologist who popped in and asked about Phil and he specifically asked me how the MS was treating me (Yup I have that too). Then another nurse who did my pre-op back in November popped in to say hi. A super nice blond woman. She stopped in to tell a story. The story was about the nurse who was caring for me today. She took one look at my chart before I arrived and immediately asked for additional help and feared she may not be up to the challenge. The more familiar nurse took a look at my file and said to her- “Oh no….” she smiled. “This is Tina. I know her chart looks bad, but you are going to love this girl. She has her shit together and will explain anything you need to know- even if you forget to ask the right questions.”  Putting the less familiar nurse immediately at ease. So nice for her to stop in and relay the story. 

Then after 45 minutes with this new nurse and us learning about each other, turns out she lives 5 min from me in Marlton. She in Kings Grant and me in Brush Hollow. 

She stopped what she was doing with my IV. The entire time we were chatting before we were simultaneously getting things done. She totally stopped sat in the edge of my bed and asked me if I remembered a nurse named Jen. I thought for a minute and the name wasn’t ringing any bells and I’ve been there so many times and met so many awesome people…. I must have looked like I was trying hard to place her because she expanded her statement to say -” you met Jen here. She was one of your your intake nurses. She was the one who was newly diagnosed with MS…?” she said, almost in question form. And I replied “oh yes I do remember her; is she here?” My nurse explained that she no longer works there but that she and Jen went to lunch about a month ago and Jen went out of her way to tell her if she ever got me as a patient to please tell me how much I influenced her. Jen tells her: “I left my conversation with her feeling so incredibly motivated and inspired and not so scared anymore. I left feeling like I was on a mission. A mission for my life.  Tina had such a huge impact on my world even in that short 45-60 min. Please. please! let her know that!  Tell her how much I’ve thought about the things she said and how truly appreciative and impacted I am by her words. ”

My mind was immediately blown, but quickly brought back to focusing on my intentions and my purpose. I needed to be reminded of them both, and God reminded me through this 3rd party person at the very time That I needed it most.  

I mean, who remembers you as a passing patient so much that they tell a former co-worker something so gracious and uplifting  about you and goes so far out of their way to make sure you get the message, even when they are no longer working there?  Especially when you think your just one of thousand patients they see every month. But that day, something I did, or said, really helped and motivated someone when they needed it most. When they were newly diagnosed with MS. 

All the glory goes to God. He put me there for Jen months ago and then he placed this new nurse there to act as a conduit for Jen, to reciprocate now,  at the exact time I needed it most. 

God is so good and we need to have faith in our path. I’m re-focused on my mission and not sorry that I had to take a few days to get here. 

Thank you God for the reminder! And may God bless Jen!  Both for what she is going through and also for the ray of sunshine she has been in this one small persons life at a time I needed it. I was listening God. 

Things I miss

It may just be that it’s January and cold and the most depressing month of the year, but I am finding myself feeling a big sense of loss.  I am normally fairly optimistic, some say incurably so.

I miss my old normal.  I miss going to kickboxing class and leaving it all on the mat.  I miss snowboarding and playing in the snow.  I miss how sore I’d be after a hard day of riding.  I miss my bike.  I miss my friends.   I miss working.  I miss having a set routine.  I miss having a conversation that doesn’t involve my health or symptom management.  I miss having house parties all the time.  I miss the excitement of looking forward to something.  I miss being able to fly or to even go to a public place without knowing I will get terribly sick.  I miss my old body.  I miss feeling pretty and feeling sexy for my husband.  I miss being a positive example for my children.  I miss putting on a pair of kicks and going for a run.  I miss staying awake after 8 pm.  I miss energy.  I miss my old life.

Signed- the “almost always” incurable optimist.